Fighting About Money in a Relationship: How to Resolve Money Fights Before They Start

Fighting about money in a relationship is par for the course. Differences in spending habits, saving priorities, splitting expenses and financial goals often lead to tension, which means little arguments are bound to erupt over everything from that latte habit to how you're squirreling away for retirement.

While it's common for couples to fight about money, you still want to make sure you're approaching these conversations with a level of openness and mutual respect so you can work through the issues as teammates versus opponents. After all, you two are in this together! And you know what? Having each other's back for your financial health and freedom is an incredible feeling. We've got some pro tips ahead to help you get there.

In this article:

• Is It Normal to Fight About Money in a Relationship?
• Why Do Couples Fight About Money in a Relationship?
• How to Work Through Money Fights With Your Partner
• How to Prevent Fighting About Money in a Relationship

Is It Normal to Fight About Money in a Relationship?

It's completely normal to have heated discussions and debates around the topic of money with your partner. This is a high friction topic (more on that in a second) where you're likely to butt heads, feel overwhelmed and struggle to find a middle ground.

"Through my experience as a couples therapist, I've recognized that financial issues are a hot button topic for a lot of couples," says Leanna Stockard, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist at LifeStance Health. "I've also noticed that couples can argue about a variety of topics when it comes to money, from who pays for what (from dates to common expenses) to spending habits and longer term financial strategies."

FEATURED VIDEO FROM THE KNOT

While couples fighting over money-related topics is considered common, that doesn't mean things should devolve into bitter spats, that arguments should go in circles forever and ever, or that these fights should occur with frequency. All the above can be damaging to your relationship, says Jennifer Perri, a financial therapist and life coach. She says, "The key isn't avoiding money conversations—it's learning how to have them in a way that strengthens your relationship instead of straining it."

Why Do Couples Fight About Money in a Relationship?

Here's the thing about money: It's not just about dollars and cents. "It's about emotions, upbringing and deeply ingrained beliefs," Perri says. "Couples often fight about money because they have different financial values, spending habits or comfort levels with risk."

Another reason why couples fight about money is because, well, it's kind of an important resource that has a huge impact on your lifestyle—including the present and future. When it's scarce or you're talking about debt, tensions rise. When there are income disparities, it can create resentment or fears when not openly discussed.

"To have anything from an education, to food, to days off, we need money," says Hanna Morrell, a holistic financial coach at Pacific Stoa. "Our brains take resource management very seriously. It can look like there is one correct way to manage our limited resources (money) and that single-minded thinking leads to conflict between partners. That leaves both partners feeling unsafe." When there's a lack of safety, security or feeling seen, arguments are bound to happen.

How to Work Through Money Fights With Your Partner

If you've found yourself fighting about money in a relationship, that's a sign to communicate more openly, get curious about your partner's perspective, and team up with them to problem solve. Here are some ways to do exactly that.

Be Aware of Argument Traps

There are typically two sides of a money argument: One partner is usually pushing for something to happen, and the other partner is often shutting down. "There isn't a correct role here, and very often partners will switch sides—maybe in the same conversation," Morrell says. "Realizing that this conversational trap is happening is the best tip I have. By recognizing the pattern, we disrupt the pattern."

Don't Judge or Blame

During any and all financial conversations, Stockard says it's important to not judge your partner for having different views or perspectives. Also, refrain from harsh judgements regarding their spending habits, saving tendencies, debts or financial history. Judgment and blaming is more likely to cause your partner to shut down—not open up. And you'd prefer the same grace, yourself!

Avoid Creating False Narratives

The thing about our brains is that they love making assumptions and creating stories or narratives. This is a way of getting answers and processing things, but they're not always rooted firmly in reality.

"When a story goes too far and gets stuck, it becomes an assumption. An assumption is just a substitution error. Assumptions mean we don't have to listen to what our partners are saying because we already know what they mean," Morrell says. "Once they get in our heads they are difficult to root out." Patience, curiosity and transparency are the best way to shut down false narratives.

Approach With Curiosity

Curiosity is the best way to nourish a relationship, drive communication and understand your partner. "Instead of blaming your partner for their spending or saving habits, get curious about why they handle money the way they do," Perri says. "Ask open-ended questions like, 'How did your family talk about money growing up?' or 'What does financial security mean to you?'" Understanding their money mindset will help you find common ground rather than getting stuck in the same arguments.

Stay Solutions-Focused vs. Emotional

Emotions have a tendency to run high during financial conversations, so you'll need to consistently keep yourself in check while discussing money. "Keep these conversations solution-focused rather than emotional," Perri advises. "Look at where you are, what needs adjusting, and celebrate financial wins together. This keeps money conversations proactive instead of reactive."

Take a Time Out if Needed

If emotions do run over, give yourself permission to step aside versus leaning into the spiral. "Since financial conversations can be such a challenging topic for partners to have, I recommend taking a break or a time out during the conversation if we notice that the conversation is beginning to escalate to an argument," Stockard says. "We are allowed to disagree on things, but we need to remain respectful of each other, and allowing ourselves some time to cool off can help us bring ourselves back to center."

How to Prevent Fighting About Money in a Relationship

While arguing about money and discussing finances is healthy, you want to avoid complete blowups. Here's how to manage discussions about money—whether you're splitting or combining finances—without devolving into a spiraling escalation that goes nowhere.

Keep Things Super Transparent

Money has a tendency to evoke lots of emotion and fear, and this boils over when there's not enough communication and transparency. "I believe that it is important to not keep finances a secret, or a forbidden topic in a relationship," Stockard says. "Early conversations surrounding finances can include financial histories, current habits, values, fears and future goals."

It's especially important to keep these conversations consistent and transparent as you navigate through different stages of the relationship—like moving in together, getting married or having kids.

Schedule Finance Check-Ins

Money isn't one of those topics you can discuss once and call it a day. It needs to be a consistent conversation. Scheduled money check-ins with a handy budget app are a great way to do this. "Instead of waiting for financial stress to boil over into a fight, schedule regular money talks—whether it's a monthly finance date or a quick weekly check-in," Perri says. You can even make it a fun recurring date, like a finance brunch or drinks and dollars evenings.

Remember You're a Team

Remember that you and your partner are teammates working toward shared goals. "It's not you versus them—it's both of you versus the financial challenge," Perri says. "When you shift from blame to teamwork, money stops being a battle and starts being a bridge to the life you want to build together."