You Know the Term, But Here's the Real Deal on Gaslighting in Relationships

In the age of Instagrammable therapy posts, there are tons of terms thrown around to describe different types of partnerships, toxic behaviors and more. One of these such terms? Gaslighting. While we may have all heard of the term, what does gaslighting in relationships really mean?

Popularized in the 1938 play (and, later, film by the same name) Gas Light, the story centers on a husband attempting to make his wife doubt her own sanity by dimming the home's gas lights and denying any changes. The term has been around for quite a while and has once again risen in popularity.

So what's the deal on gaslighting in relationships and what are some sure examples of gaslighting? Or maybe you're wondering how to respond to gaslighting. Either way, we spoke to two experts—counselor and social worker Lauren Tetenbaum and psychotherapist Anna Glaser—to answer all of your burning questions.

In this article:

• What Is Gaslighting in Relationships?
• Why Do People Gaslight in Relationships?
• Examples of Gaslighting in Relationships
• How to Respond to Gaslighting in a Relationship

What Is Gaslighting in Relationships?

"Gaslighting can happen in a romantic relationship when one partner minimizes the other's feelings and makes them doubt the validity of those feelings," Tetenbaum tells The Knot. "Examples of gaslighting statements can include things like, 'You're being so sensitive,' or 'You're acting crazy.'"

Describing gaslighting in a relationship as an attempt to make a partner doubt their thoughts and feelings, Glaser adds, "Gaslighting in relationships is a psychological weapon designed to create a superior and subordinate dynamic."

Why Do People Gaslight in Relationships?

So why would anyone resort to gaslighting their partner? Generally speaking, partners may gaslight in an effort to deflect any blame that may be directed towards them or to gain control of the situation.

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"Someone may engage in gaslighting as an avoidance mechanism to evade acknowledging or taking accountability for their own behaviors," Glaser explains. "Gaslighting could also be an indication of an abusive or toxic relationship where one partner is intentionally trying to maintain or exert power and control over another."

Examples of Gaslighting in Relationships

Do you think you're experiencing gaslighting with your partner? Consider these common signs of gaslighting below.

1. Victim blaming

"Why are you always trying to start a fight? You're too needy!" are trademark phrases uses in victim blaming. According to Glaser, this sign of gaslighting puts the blame on the person voicing their needs—instead of on the person who needs to change their behavior.

2. Denial

Does this sound familiar? "That's not true. You're imagining this," or "You're being crazy and delusional." Denying experiences when confronted with specific situations is another common sign of gaslighting in relationships.

3. Minimization

Another example of gaslighting in relationships is minimization. If a problem is communicated—such as a hurtful comment the partner made—it's met with a response akin to, "You're overly sensitive," or "It wasn't a big deal." This is a way gaslighters make their partners feel small and have power over them.

4. Not listening

If you have something to say and your partner isn't listening at all—but talking at you—this can also be a sign of gaslighting. (Think about it: Not even being willing to hear out a partner in conversation is a major red flag.)

5. Twisting the truth

Prehaps your partner told you that they went to that bar—but left out who exactly was there. Actively twisting the truth could also fall into the gaslighting territory.

How to Respond to Gaslighting in a Relationship

Is there an appropriate way to respond to gaslighting? While we're certain you don't want to be dealing with gaslighting, there are steps you can take to better the situation.

1. Diffuse the situation

"I'd say the best way to respond to gaslighting is to diffuse the tension and try to get both partners' emotions regulated. The power of a pause cannot be overestimated," Tetenbaum says. "If you feel like your partner is gaslighting you or is unwilling to hear you, say something like, "I feel like we're both heated right now. Let's cool off and revisit this in a couple of hours."

2. Ask for help

Next, notice and identify patterns. "If gaslighting is a common pattern in your relationship, it may be important to seek external help," Glaser suggests. "Confide in a friend or someone you feel safe and comfortable with about a specific scenario: Did this person have the same reaction as your partner or did you feel validated and heard?"

"Another option would be to seek support from a healthcare professional," Glaser adds.

3. Set boundaries

Boundaries are essential in any relationship, but especially in a romantic partnership: Setting specific boundaries in the relationship can be an emotional treaty that you make with yourself and your partner to preserve and protect your wellbeing and relationship.