Here's How to Initiate Sex With Your Partner Confidently, According to Experts

Sex is fun, so why can initiating sex feel so awkward and uncomfortable? We have some good news: You can learn how to initiate sex confidently and strengthen your sex life in the process. "It feels really good when you learn how to initiate with ease, knowing you deserve to ask for what you want," says Vanessa Marin, a licensed sex therapist. "It keeps intimacy alive in a relationship. If no one initiates, your sex life is going to get into a rut quickly." Duly noted. You and your partner can turn up the heat with these creative ways to initiate sex.

In this article:

• Why It's Uncomfortable to Initiate Sex
• How to Talk About Initiating Sex
• 10 Ways to Initiate Sex

Why It's Uncomfortable to Initiate Sex

It can be hard to talk about sex, much less ask your partner if they want to have sex. "Initiating sex is an act of vulnerability. It's not just about desire—it's about risking rejection, about exposing a longing, about stepping into the unknown of another's receptivity," says Nico Velotta, head of relationship research at the intimacy coaching company Arya.

"In many relationships, one partner often takes on the role of the initiator while the other becomes the gatekeeper of desire. This dynamic can create an invisible tension, where the initiator fears being unwanted, and the responder feels pressure rather than arousal. Over time, this pattern can reinforce a cycle where initiation carries the weight of past acceptances or rejections, making it feel emotionally charged rather than playful," Velotta says. Velotta explains that one of the best ways to decrease sexual pressure and anxiety is for both partners to feel confident initiating sex.

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How to Talk About Initiating Sex

The best way to initiate sex is to find out what turns you and your partner on. Marin recommends you both discuss what she calls your "initiation style."

"Just like the love languages, everyone has specific ways that they like to be invited to have sex. It's really helpful to discover your initiation style and communicate it to your partner. That helps you both figure out how to make initiation feel exciting," Marin says.

Wondering how to find out your respective initiation styles? Marin suggests you both ask:

• "What are three ways I could initiate sex that would feel exciting to you?"
• "Do you remember a time I've initiated in the past that you found sexy?"

10 Ways to Initiate Sex

To get more comfortable initiating sex, try taking turns. Be flexible about what types of intimacy you ask to do together. Consider discussing different things you enjoy like cuddling on the couch, taking a bath together, using toys and different sexual activities so you both have ample options to choose from depending on your mood. And of course, remember that you can "no." Here are some creative ways you can initiate intimacy, from sending flirty text messages to using code words.

1. Offer an "Extended Invitation"

Start early, and no we're not talking about morning sex. Marin recommends trying what she calls an "extended invitation." "Most people initiate in the moment, which can feel intimidating for you and put pressure on your partner. But I like initiating much earlier in the day. For example, I'll tell my husband in the morning, 'I want to have sex with you as soon as we're done with our workday,'" she says. "This feels easier for me to say, and it gives him time to build up anticipation and excitement," Marin says.

2. Set the Mood

If you're putting on pajamas and getting ready for bed and you ask if your partner wants to have sex, it might feel abrupt. Try cuddling in bed, making out and seeing if you're both in the mood. "Initiation doesn't always have to be bold or explicit. It can be playful, slow-burning or even nonverbal. A lingering touch, an unexpected compliment or a whispered suggestion plants the seed of anticipation," says Velotta. TLDR: foreplay.

3. Watch a Sexy Movie Together

Watch a sexy movie during your next at-home date night. You may find that you're so inspired you decide to pause the movie mid-way. Pro tip: Try some of the moves you see on the screen.

4. Flirt With Your Partner

Velotta also suggests building anticipation by flirting throughout the day. You could keep the micro-mance alive by leaving a love note by the coffee machine, bringing home their favorite dessert or planning a date night. You could also spice things up by sending a flirty text or a steamy sext. He recommends trying something like:

• "I want to get a little sensual with you. Want to play tonight?"
• "I keep thinking about you today. It's making me want to [X] with you."
• "I have a confession. I can't stop thinking about how much I crave your body touching mine."
• "I can't stop thinking about how good it feels to kiss you. Want to remind me?"
• "I'd love to hold you and just be close tonight."

5. Start Outside the Bedroom

Have you noticed that rom-coms and romance books often show people ripping off their clothes in the foyer because they can't make it to the bedroom? Try getting intimate in other rooms of your house, surprising your partner in the shower or packing on the PG-13 PDA during your next date night. (Get inspo from the ice cream date kiss in Nobody Wants This.)

6. Schedule Sex

Are you having trouble initiating sex because you think you're too busy to get busy? If you've both determined that you want to have sex more often, but you can't seem to find time, try scheduling sex and other types of intimacy. You could choose one day of the week or compare your calendars each week to find time to connect.

7. Play a Game

It can be uncomfortable to talk about sex. Whether it's asking your partner if they're in the mood or discussing what feels good, it can take practice. Fortunately, there are a lot of couple card games that can help you get physically and emotionally intimate.

8. Choose a Code Word or Phrase

This is one of the most creative ways to initiate sex. Decide on a code word or phrase that either of you can use when you want to have sex. You'll have fun figuring out ways to spin it into your date night convo, a suggestive text or late-night pillow talk.

9. Know Each Other's Turn-Ons

Make a list of each other's turn-ons and surprise your partner by doing something you know they'll like. It could be physical turn-ons like cuddling during movie night or giving them a massage or caring gestures like cooking dinner, taking the dog out for the late-night walk or sending an encouraging text when you know they have a big meeting at work.

10. Use "I" Statements

Instead of asking your partner if they want to have sex, Velotta recommends expressing your interest to make them feel wanted. "Expressing your own desire invites your partner in without pressure," Velotta says. He suggests trying something like:

• "I keep thinking about the time we [X]. Care to recreate that magic?"
• "I'm so turned on by you right now. Want to see where this vibe takes us?"
• "I think it's so hot when you [X]. I definitely want more of that..."
• "I feel really drawn to you right now. Would you like to just lie together for a while?"
• "I want to hear you do that sexy moan tonight. Can I make that happen?"
• "I want you right here, right now. Can I take you to the bedroom?"