How to Rebuild a Marriage, According to Marriage Counselors

Sometimes it seems as though having a long-lasting marriage is nothing short of a miracle. Many times, the marriage starts out strong, but experiences a breakdown along the way. For people wondering how to rebuild a marriage and whether it's even possible, there are many ways and it is. However, to rebuild a marriage with cracks in it, it's often necessary to acknowledge the cracks and rebuild the foundation.

There isn't a blueprint that will work in every marriage since each has its own unique challenges. Shemiah Derrick, a licensed clinical professional counselor who has experience working with married couples, shares common drivers of broken marriages and possible solutions.

In this article:

• Common Issues That "Break" a Marriage
• How to Rebuild Your Marriage
• How to Rebuild Your Marriage During a Separation

Common Issues That "Break" a Marriage

There are a myriad of issues that can cause a marriage to break, some may seem miniscule, while others may seem like more detrimental issues. Either way, when these issues are left unaddressed, it can create a breakdown in a marriage. Here are a few common issues Derrick has observed throughout her time working with couples.

Identity Crisis

One of the issues that can cause a break in a marriage is an identity crisis, says Derrick. "There are these identity crises that come up where it has to do with how people get into relationships and ultimately get to marriages," she explains.

In terms of how people get into relationships, and end up having an identity crisis, it could be that they didn't really know who they were when they entered the relationship and then realize they're different people as they grow in the marriage. Sometimes people evolve within the relationship and that creates differences. At this point, couples may struggle to find common ground, find themselves growing apart and feel stuck.

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"So it's almost like this fork in the road of them trying to figure out do I choose myself or do I choose my marriage?" Derrick says. She continues, "I would say that is one that I see actually the most often because [they] want to be together, but it just doesn't feel the way they want it to feel."

Having Kids

Having children can create cracks in a marriage when couples don't know how to be parents and partners simultaneously.

"It's so much survival mode. Very quickly the partner becomes their enemy," Derrick says. Different scenarios can occur such as partners feeling resentful because they aren't getting enough help with the kids or focusing so much on the kids that the relationship suffers. They may find it hard to manage the relationship with themselves, the kids and their partner at the same time.

Kids can also lead to a sexless relationship if both parties are too stressed and busy to connect.

Trauma

We all come to relationships with some sort of trauma and that can create conflict within the relationship. This may especially be the case when people aren't aware of their trauma or it isn't addressed individually and as a couple.

Unresolved Conflict

When you're married, it's likely you'll have conflict, which is a healthy part of any relationship. However, when the conflicts go unresolved and compound, it can lead to long term issues. "The person is left with disappointment or a feeling of hopelessness or just not feeling as excited about the relationship because they can't move on from what happened before," says Derrick.

It's also important to point out that ineffective communication is usually at the heart of unresolved issues.

Betrayal

There are many forms of betrayal that can take place in a marriage and each can have different consequences. One example of betrayal is infidelity, whether that translates to an emotional affair or physical one. Financial betrayal is another example of an issue that can fracture a marriage.

How to Rebuild Your Marriage

While some people have figured it out, many are still looking for answers on how to rebuild their marriage. To understand where to start it's essential to see where your relationship is and identify the core issues. Here are some actionable steps that may help the process of reconciliation.

Avoid Trying to Get Back to Where You Were Before

It's easy to spend your time grieving where your marriage was before the cracks and wishing to go back to how things were. However, if you want to move forward, Derrick suggests couples avoid doing this.

"If you recognize that you're in a stuck space, figure out what's got you stuck there, what's missing, what is not working for you anymore and actually build a new chapter because you'll stay stuck in trying to get back to something that you maybe not may not be able to actually get back," she says.

Figure Out What Kind of Relationship You Want

Once you decide to stop trying to go back to the past, a good next step may be deciding what type of relationship you want by redefining your relationship. Also, during this process you may find that what you wanted in the past may not be what you want now, and that's ok. Think about how you want your relationship to enhance your life moving forward.

"How does your relationship need to be adding and contributing to your overall excitement, joy, happiness, wellbeing?" Derrick says.

She also recommends doing some journaling to get your thoughts down on paper and gain clarity. Once you get clear about what you want, communicate your desires to your partner.

Find a Purpose for Your Marriage

Having a vision for your marriage can help you endure tough times. For instance, your vision could be to create generational wealth together or to create a model for what a healthy marriage looks like for your kids. The vision can also come with a mission statement that you both write and use to remind you about why you're together.

Consider Couple's Therapy

This may seem like a given, but some people are afraid to try marriage counseling. Some may be worried about sharing their business with a third party and the long-term commitment.

"People are still hesitant about couples therapy but there's ways they can go about couple's therapy that does not have to be years and years and years and years," Derrick says.

While therapy doesn't always save a marriage, a licensed therapist or professional well-versed in working with couples can help you address your issues. Consider finding a couples therapist that both you and your partner feel comfortable speaking to. You can also choose and commit to a timeframe that feels good for you.

Work Together by Creating Shared Goals

When you're having serious marriage problems, it can feel like your partner is your opponent. However, remembering you're on the same team may help you reconcile the issues you're having and he's your bond in the process.

A way to do this maybe by creating shared goals and ones you both agree on and work towards together.

Have Regular Check Ins

Derrick says couples should be checking in with one another at least once a month. She also advises ritualizing the new habit of checking in. Consistency is key here to get the best results for your relationship.

"When you're trying to start a new habit, you can't do it one time and sit it down and then think that it's gonna stick," she says. "No, you have to do it on a regular basis in a way that is sustainable."

Complete Progress Reports

In addition to setting goals and checking in, consider doing progress reports with your partner too.

"We call them state of the union meetings where the union is the marriage and you kind of give yourselves that progress report of how are we doing based on those goals?" Derrick says. This is a way to create smart relationship goals to ensure you're on track and headed in the right direction.

Be Intentional About Quality Time

Spending quality time with your partner outside of kids and daily responsibilities may help improve the marriage. Think about activities that bring you together and help improve your intimacy. Also, consider setting boundaries around what can be discussed during that quality time. For instance, if your spouse talking about work kills the mood and connection, set boundaries around that before hanging out.

Work on Your Relationship With Yourself

Relationships are sometimes easier when both people are doing the work individually and then support one another in their efforts. Identify your growth areas and think about how you can begin working on them. This might mean going to individual therapy so you can work through any trauma or past experiences holding you back. When you are healthier, you're likely going to show up better in your relationship.

Love Them In Their Language

Going back to basics like understanding your partner's love language may help reignite the missing spark. It is also a way to rebuild the love in your marriage. In addition to actively working on your issues, make a conscious effort to show love and appreciation in the way your partner best receives love. For instance, if your partner enjoys physical touch, creating more time for intimacy or being mindful about holding their hand often may help. You may find doing the little things in their love language makes all the difference.

How to Rebuild Your Marriage During a Separation

When a marriage has already gotten to the point of separation, it can feel impossible to get back on track. There may still be hope, however, especially if you do the work. Derrick says reconciliation is possible but it may be challenging because you may not be the same people as you were before separating. She suggests both people ensure they've done individual healing work before trying to reunite.

"I think if someone is separated and then they're trying to get back together, to really treat it like it's a new relationship," Derrick says.

She adds that couples will have the added benefit of knowing each other but to be careful not to create expectations based on old experiences.

"[Don't] make any assumptions, extend each other, grace, be very flexible with each other and caring because it's not easy for either person but also give each other the flexibility and freedom to think about the relationship in a different way," she says. "You know how it was before and we also know how that story ended. So some things have to be different in order for it to be different."